My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
