I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This gyro tastes like lonliness
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
