I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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