So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
