remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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