guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
