any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
