I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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