I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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