in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
