I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My breasts were aching with rage.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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