I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
