I wish I could punch you in the face.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
