yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
