her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
