I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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