Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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