you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i dont even know how to be here
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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