I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
