That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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