Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
