my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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