no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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