It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
