but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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