I want to stick my p in your. b.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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