I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
