this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Found your dick twin last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
