Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
