smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
