i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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