May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
