i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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