I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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