Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
