Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
