Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
