It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
