i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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