I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
