and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
