i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
