happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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