PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
