Moan for me like Helen Keller
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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