he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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