I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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