"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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