On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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