i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just puked most of my soul out..
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