someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
