Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's shark week go big or go home
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
