So drunk its hurt
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
