Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
